Did you know that one of the signs of a cheating spouse is them placing their phone face down instead of face up? Neither did I! So to this very day when Bryan puts his phone face down it really drives me absolutely crazy! My tapes(negative emotions, feelings, inner verbal abuse) about the past begin to flare and I can spiral out of control faster than you can say “Cheater, Cheater!”
Bryan has had during most of his affairs two phones. Honestly, this made cheating so much easier for him! He still has two phones, one that is rarely used and one that is normal daily use. The rarely used phone is my real problem. He uses it to conduct business for his other part time job. In the past, Bryan would guard that other phone like if he lost it, he would be forced into cutting his hand off with a dull blade! No really! He would protect it from any possibility that I or our boys would even touch it, much less look at it! Though he no longer guards the phone like he had, he still faces that rarely used phone face down. And it truly drives me crazy!
I can go days without much worry about the past. Thinking about the affairs outside of helping others or that Bryan will have another affair rarely crosses my mind anymore. But when I see that phone laying face down, I feel like I have been punched in the gut! Every time! Just this morning I could not stop myself from turning it over and looking at the front screen. Yes, only the front screen. I decided early on that scrolling thru Bryan’s phone would not be beneficial to me. If I have to watch his every move, every single aspect of his life then I did not want that life! I would rather just give up and be single than become a husband police detective.
Now that is not to say that I have never scrolled thru. I have, but honestly, Bryan was sitting right there allowing me to do it. Though he allowed himself to be sucked into a world of absolute lies and deception. I can not go there! It truly feels wrong to look at his phone. It is his. I feel a little bit guilty for looking at the front screen this morning.Though I know Bryan does not care anymore.
Each day is a new day. My triggers of Bryan’s affairs can sometimes really throw the whole day or even week for a roller coaster ride of emotions. If I can not learn to trust again quite honestly the devil wins! And my whole goal is to kick him out, not keep him in! So today, I will give Bryan grace for putting his phone face down. I will give myself grace for looking at his front screen and momentarily feeling punched in the gut. This day is just barely getting started. And I choose a day where love and trust rule the day! The devil just got kicked out!